Who the hell says that we only need one day to celebrate love?

I celebrate love everyday.

Every time I look at a picture of my girlfriend, I feel a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach. Every time I bite into a McDouble from McDonald’s, I feel the same thing. I’m not too sure what this feeling is, but I am going to assume that it’s love. Whenever I feel this, I make sure to tell my girlfriend and the employees at the McDonald’s on Blackstone and Olive avenues, how important they are to me, and that my life would not be the same without them.

Here a few tips to make sure you are a great boyfriend like me.

1. Don’t ever abbreviate the name of the day.

Nobody ever wants to hear the words “look what I got you for VD.” That’s not really a mistake a lot of people make, but just in case you think about doing it, don’t.

2. Try to keep your clothes on.

Most of us have come to associate Valentine’s Day with cupid and flying babies in diapers and that’s the media’s fault. Now you might think that dressing up as a cherub is a nice idea that you would think would get you some points for creativity, but you would be wrong. This is especially true if you are a 26-year-old journalism major in Southeast Fresno. Most people don’t appreciate having a fat guy shooting arrows at their special Valentine’s Day dinner.

3. Don’t go out to dinner with other couples.

They will find a way to make you look bad. The other couple will have better gifts which will only make you look like a cheapskate or like you don’t care. Even if you luck out and win the gift competition, you still make the other couple feel like crap about their night. So, it’s a lose-lose situation for everyone involved. If you do that, you should commit the Japanese suicide ritual Seppuku or “death by disembowelment” it was reserved for samurais, but I think we have matured as a society to allow everyone this right.

4. Don’t get too creative unless it’s a sure thing.

This goes hand in hand with No. 2, but I want to reiterate that Valentine’s Day is not a day to go heavy on the imagination. A heart sculpture made out of hot dogs sounds really nice and cute, especially if your better half really likes barbecue but you might just want to stick with flowers and candy instead.

5. Pick the right song for a midnight serenade.

If you’re going to cheese it up by singing a song to your beloved, make sure it is the right song. Just because you’re going through a Wu-tang phase doesn’t mean you should sing “Ice Cream” by Raekwon or “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” by ODB. For more romantic songs I suggest the “Animal House” soundtrack.

So, there, you have it. A few made-up tips for a made-up holiday.