Do you love yourself?

Are you sure?

Then why are you staying in this bad relationship?

I have no one to look to as an example of what a non-toxic relationship is; all I am familiar with and know is toxic.

The story of my life — the “on-and-off again”, the “we are just talking” and the “you’re the one, but I need you to wait” — Is love supposed to be this complicated and an emotional roller-coaster?

I was not raised by my mother; despite the physical distance, she modeled for me what a relationship is all about. Unfortunately, none of it was good.

Whenever I visited her, I saw more than a child should be exposed to — the slaps, swollen lips and tears as well as the insults and putdowns. I always wondered why she stayed; I could not relate to why a woman would want that life.

“It will get better,” Mama reassured me between sobs.

I saw the sadness in my mother and always told myself I would not be her, even as I saw myself walking in her footsteps.

By the time I caught on, it was too late. I was neck-deep in a relationship where I was essentially a punching bag. I told myself it will get better, but even I knew it was as good as it will ever get. So I settled, and once you settle for less, you get what you deserve. If I allow someone to do terrible things to me, I deserve it.

No guy or girl comes with warnings tattooed on their foreheads. So what I saw when we first met were his looks, his attentiveness and how he clung to me. The relationship started off “normal” and I thought I finally got the man of my dreams.

We were “together” on and off for three years; he would occasionally snap or twist my arms or punch me, but I told myself it was all love play. But it wasn’t until the last year we were “together” that he came fully out — using both his fists and tongue — to beat the joy out of my eyes.

For months, I tried to convince myself and my therapist that I loved myself.

But my darling, you do not love yourself if you allow a man or any person to disrespect you continuously.

I was abused physically and emotionally. I was weak. It is almost as if I enjoyed being mistreated. I say “enjoyed” is because sadly, I got a thrill out of always arguing, catching him cheating, being choked, being used…it was just like the saying, “I would rather say I had something than to have had nothing at all.”

Why did I stay?

Because I got caught up in the couple thing; because my motto was I am going to ride or die for this man; because I refused to acknowledge that he was giving all the benefits I gave him to someone else.

He was my addiction. I was addicted to him. I stayed because of I did not want to be alone, I cared for him more than myself; the sex was great. Honestly, I kept telling myself that sex was the main reason I stayed.

I think we all have had that one person we just stayed stupid for and allowed to belittle us. I had mine and no matter what anyone told me, I had a quick answer. I was so lost in him that when he said “jump”, I always said “how high?” Also, I’m the type of person who has to go through it; I’m hard headed.

Telling someone in a toxic relationship to simply get out is no solution. In my case, the only reason I was able to get out is because he moved away. He got out, and although I failed to see it then, he freed me to start repairing my life.

I was finally able to focus on myself. It took some time for me to find myself again, and I was heading towards recovery.

In hindsight, I recommend that before starting a relationship, know yourself; LOVE yourself before you proceed to love someone else.

I know how a woman should be treated, but just like every other girl and watching those cliché romance movies, I just wanted to feel love, no matter my personal cost.

You can not give love or expect love if it is not in you internally.

I wish I had been more confident in myself and knew my self-worth. Ladies, and gentlemen, it’s okay to be alone. Don’t make the same mistake I did. You have to love yourself.