It has been a few hours since I learned a friend of mine had died, and I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone.

When my boyfriend told me the news, I did not believe him. We just had dinner with our friend recently. I told him about how excited I am about how well this school semester was going. As we left, I gave him a big hug.

And now he is gone.

I could not believe it. It took a while for it to settle in. I held my partner. I held him as tightly as I could, and he held me. I cried. I cried for a while.

I remembered the few, yet great times I had with my friend; he with his husband and me with my boyfriend. In his relationship, I saw a relationship like mine. A lifelong partnership between two men with endless amounts of love to give, through all the struggles in life. It was the type of relationship that I aspire to have, and that I know is achievable after meeting him.

He was so open to me and my boyfriend during one of the most difficult parts of his life. Each time that we were all together, he was always smiling and full of affection, whether it was to his husband, to me, to my partner, or to anyone that came his way. It was truly inspiring.

This is the first time that I have had to experience the death of someone that has made such an impact in my life. In the short time that I knew my friend, I have questioned and looked back on so many aspects of my life, and I am doing it once again.

When someone leaves, are they truly gone?

I don’t think so. I learn a little bit more about life with every person that I get to know. Whether it was a friend from school with whom I have lost communication, a previous relationship, or in this case, a new friendship ended unexpectedly, I am shaped by my memories of these connections.

Because of this friendship, I have learned how to love more. I have learned how to not be afraid to give love to whomever is willing to receive it. I have learned how to give love during the darkest times in life, and accept it as well. Most importantly, I have learned how to tell people that I love them just because it feels right.

At this point, I think I am all cried out. As sad as I am about never seeing my friend again, I am happy about the moments that I was a part of his life, and I will always cherish the moments that he was in mine.