Looking at me now no one would have ever guessed that from 2007 to 2013 I got heavily bullied. This had led to a spiral of suicide attempts along with me becoming a “scene queen.”
In the early 2000’s scene kids were similar to emo kids, they were depressed and a lot of them self harmed. Being a scene queen is often described as being confident in teased out hair with colorful accessories such as bows, neon zipper chokers and band t-shirts. Oftentimes you will see a scene queen with tutus over jeans. You also had to create a new name and mine was Alyssa Automatic.
I grew up in a military family with strict parents, and suffer from Attention Deficit Hyper Disorder (ADHD), which made my grades fluctuate. My parents were constantly punishing me for my grades. My father, knowing nothing but military tactics, bullied me about everything from my body to my grades.
One time in middle school after I started dressing scene someone stole my diary and it was read to the school. Once it was returned, someone had written all over it, telling me to kill myself.
The students who did this to me weren’t suspended. They treated it like it was nothing, this incident was never looked into. The school brushed it off as kids just playing around.
My school knew I was being bullied and did nothing about it, so why would my parents? But with high school came high school bullies who were even worse than middle school bullies.
I remember my desk being sprayed with Axe and lit on fire, and being beaten up by multiple high school football players before their practice. I again reported this to my high school and it fell in one ear and out the other. They told me the students would receive detention but there was nothing more they could do to stop them.
My rock bottom was my junior year of high school. I had attempted suicide and almost succeeded if my mom had not caught me. This was the first time I had ever seen my mom break down over what happened to me and she just kept asking me why didn’t I tell her sooner. I showed her my scars and she took me to therapy. My parents gave me ADHD medication and I transferred school districts my senior year. I started feeling happier.
Slowly, I stopped cutting and also stopped dressing like a scene queen. The road to get into a healthy mindset and stop self harming, came with confronting my bullies and intense therapy. I had to learn over time that despite what I had been through I wasn’t unlovable. This has led to my journey to start loving myself.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression please reach out to psychological services on campus or call them at (559) 443-8687. The first step to fighting for happiness in your life is always the hardest but please remember you’re not alone.
